Happy Place.

I found myself being quiet again this past few days. No blog posts. No ym-ing. No mass sms-ing friends. When I get home, i don't hit the tube once i plop down the bed like i used to. I just turn my trusty Aneca on for my tunes (which unfortunately doesn't fit her anymore). I sleep early and get my usual tv fix on reruns in the morning. Quiet. My life's so quiet. And i like it this way.

I turned down going to this huge once-in-a-blue-moon thing for a friend. That usually pisses that heck out of me. It would take me days to get over it. And though i still dislike not going, unbelievably, I'm ok with it. I still love them to bits, but i guess i gotta grow up and stick to my priorities. And I'm ok with it.

If somehow this is some grace from my biggest Fan (almost always is), huge thanks. Everything feels right now. I'm feeling lucky and happy and blessed. My bliss trifecta. Love it.

Don't Shoot the Messenger

People often come to me for advices. I don't mind, really. I'm happy to give my two cents on everything, as long as it helps. But the thing that pushes my button is when people come to me when they already made up their mind on what they want to hear. They expect me to reaffirm their cause. When i see things the other way, i am the evil witch ( or something that rhymes with witch) that failed them.

I get it. We don't always like what we hear, especially if it resembles any truth we incidentally deny. Truth sucks. It sucks harder when it smacks you in the face. But if i love you or care for you in any way, may you be a kin or a friend, i will bear forth the truth, good/bad news version. And even finely minced truth, sugar coated in the sweetest form I can possibly come up with will hurt, especially if you have no plan of hearing it. It'll smack you in a million finely minced pieces over and over again.

So next time you push me to psychoanalize you in any way, just hear me out, then take it or leave it. It's your life, not mine. And although i have the best intentions of helping you, i won't take it to heart if you don't agree with what i said. I may be just as right as i may be dead wrong. If i happen to give you a thought you'd rather not like to hear, don't shoot it down and say i don't know any better. You asked for it, you got it. Don't ever, ever come to me when you already made up your mind. It will do us both no good. If you can't leave an open mind from the start, just keep it that way, close and shut. Leave me be and i'll let you be. Save us both a lot more happy time in our own little separate worlds.

Note to self: When I grow up, i will not mistake youth for inexperience. You'll never know what you'll learn from the youth. As today's adults say, this is a much different, difficult world we all live in. It takes a lot more character to mess with the world now. What more will it be for them when it's our time to play adults. Live, love, let be.

It's my Blog, so...

Walang kontrahan. Kanya kanyang trip to.

Came across this site because of Yeng's new multiply links. Ok, riot talaga. Pero what that heck, it's in the net, and we know the net does not fabricate lies. Hahaha.

It all falls into place na. Sabi ko na nga ba may dahilan ang lahat. Akalain mong mga dyosa pala kamukha ko. Matagal ko ng hinala to eh. Hahaha.

The things you discover when boredom strikes. Pero I say, time well spent. Hahaha

In Awe

Beb and I went to Gateway to support his friend Lester, who edited a film entered in the Moonrise festival. Their documentary film "The Hidden treasures of Agutayan" focuses on the beauty of the coral reef in, well, Agutayan in Cagayan de Oro. Agutayan, incidentally, is now a preserved sanctuary for fishes. The local government with the help of corporate sponsors are now successfully rehabilitating the damaged area harmed due to dynamite fishing. The docu was under half an hour long, and since it was a festival for the environmental cause, it was screened along a couple more docus entered in the competition.

Once in while, you just feel lucky living in such a beautiful country. I sure hope to God most of the people feel that way, and would practice a little more responsibility now and then. Blessed, that is what we are. If only we all realize that.

Crash.

I died last night.

And I saw myself die. Or dead. I saw myself dead.

I died of a car crash. My head rested on the steering wheel. It was a stupid car crash, and I died.

I saw beb, papa, mama, my aunts. Shocked. I think they were shocked.

Mama held on to my ankle. Though I knew she couldn't see me, she held on to my ankle. Papa cried. He told me he loves me.

I was crying. I woke up crying.

It was one of those very lucid dreams. Ones that you can remember every little detail.
I haven't had dreams like those lately. I usually forget about my dreams, good or bad, the moment I wake up. T'was weird. Core-shaking even.

I died last night.

Scarlet Letter

My Love,

I've got something to confess. It's better you hear it from me that from someplace else. I have been unfaithful. Forgive me, but i can't help to look around. The world out there is much too tempting to ignore.

I have to admit that I've been spending sometime somewhere. First here, because somebody told me we could keep it a secret. No one would ever know, and i was drawn. Then something more charming came my way, and I'm engrossed. We shared pictures, and made music and I'm afraid i'm shared some of our secrets with him. Not so deep ones, but our memories, nonetheless.

But I'm straightening things out now. I am drawing lines, so you, my love, won't feel disheartened. He will remain for trivial pursuits, while him, like all kept men, for mere entertainment. You, i will forever hold near to my heart, cause we have history. Hope you'll find it in your heart to forgive me.

Love,
Freefalldrifter

Cosmic coffee

When you question the universe why it seems that the stars are aligning to conspire against you and your diskarte, believe me, the answer will come to you.

It came to me like a rampaging bull this morning. Thru my mobile phone.

Him: Magandang gabi! Pwedeng mang-istorbo?

This was one of last night's sms. Of course, I was already sleeping. So replied this morning.

Me: Sorry, kagabi pa pala to, ngayon lang ako nakasagot. Aga kasi ako natutulog.
Him: Ok lang after ko naman itext sa yo yon, inaantok na rin ako, hehehe. Gandang umaga!
Me: Eh kung nagkataon pala iniwan mo ko sa ere? (",)
Him: Ganun na nga, ok lang para quits tayo. Smile, it's a great day.

What the ....?!?

Me: Anong quits? Wala naman akong ginawa sa yo ha (pilit na (",) )

I knew what was coming, but I had to ask anyway. I'm into pain like that.

Him: Tinulugan mo kaya ako at di na nagreply 5 years ago. Highschool ka pa noon.

I guess each of us have our own little battles. We aren't always losing or always winning. Picking sides isn't really an option. The moment, the situation chooses what side you're going to be on. We'll always have a hand when it all begins, but more often that you would have it, have no idea when we'll see its end.

For love of the game.

Got woken up by a text message from an old friend. Reminded me of one of those old stupid pacts you made with friends when you were young and clueless. Well, we were in highschool and im pinning it on boredom. For a group of catholic school girls, then engrossed with the Philippine Basketball Association, the name sounded befitting. I was personally rooting for San Miguel then, at an era of the Alaska Dynasty. Forever the underdog, but loved them anyway. Except when they're playing against now defunct Purefoods Tender Juicy Hotdogs (hahaha whatta name), on which the love of my daydreaming life since i was 6, Jerry Codinera suited for. (I had a crush on him since I saw his movie with Alvin Patrimonio, and Paul Alvarez, where then cute girl now uber-butch Aiza Seguerra turns into a ball. Forgot the title. But I digress. This is an obsession deserving of its own blog entry someday). Yup, a ballgame bonded us, plus a tonful memories of laughter, tears, tigbakan and laglagan.

Has it been 9 years? Guess time and distance screwed us, but we will always have the table in the middle of them all.

For whatever it's worth, happy anniversary!
Miss you and love you all to bits.

Atin-atin lang to, maglalabas nito, babanatan ko. hehehe violence.

This way out

Sometimes, in life, it's much easier to give up. The easy way out is always available and always as tempting. When something starts aching, there are a million hallmark cards to "ease" the pain. You've heard all about it. Those theses made out of teeny bopper specials. "It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." "If it's love set it free. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it wasn't meant to be." "There are many fishes in the sea." You give up, then you move on. You learn from it, pick up the pieces, then let go.

The funny thing is, although it becomes a broken record of advice from friends, from self-help books, and yes, even from teeny bopper specials, letting go is almost always is never easy. When the thing we treasure most starts to unravel, we hold on to it to keep it together. We try our might to glue, sew, patch up whatever you can, make it whole again. Though it keeps falling apart, you try to hide the cracks and polish and buff it to keep it looking new, like nothing's wrong, like everything's perfect. If it starts to break and starts to hurt, frustration comes and we cry it away until it washes away, until it hurts again. We hold on to it even if it hurts like hell. The pain lingers, and we let it be.

Some say it's masochism. They call us an entire spectrum of names, from hopeless romantic to foolish and insane, hoping to knock some sense into us. They say we like pain for pain's sake. But we all know it's not that. And in every well-meaning thing they do, they who call us names know it too. We've all been there in a certain point in our lives. We let the pain linger, because no matter much it hurts now, it still is a validation. When we start asking whether it was all a lie, or whether it was all pretend, the pain answers it all. The pain makes it real.

Bitch-slapping, seriously needed

I remember when I was a kid and I wanted to be everything when I grow up. I wanted to be a doctor, a lawyer, a news anchor, a magician, a grocery cashier, even at some point a magtataho and if possible, all at the same time. I had big dreams, and hoped for a full plate. I was young and I was stubborn.

Then one by one I had to let each one go. With being a magtataho, though there's taho-all-you-want, it admittedly lacks glamour (arte ko talaga). Smoke machines unfortunately kill me so, there goes my dream of becoming a magikera. I am in sales but super bad at it. It is my day job and it pays the bills, but picturing forever there isn't what I have in mind. I am bulol half the time, so the world might get confused when I deliver the nightly news. With my tragic medical history, I developed an aversion to hospitals, so a medical degree was out of the question. As for a law degree, it's still up in the air, but looking at at least four more years in school while living on allowance, completely dependent again on somebody else isn't really appealing when you're 23 and already earning decent money. Am i screwed? Probably.

It's just hard to know that the world is my oyster, yet i feel stuck. Stuck between nothing and nowhere. Yes, it's damn scary. I know everybody's afraid of something. Tell me one absolutely fearless person and i'll tell you that one day, pigs will fly. God knows I try to face my fears, but nothing comes easy, and this is one thing I can't rush without consequences. And no matter how much I remind myself that I did and am doing the right thing and that I shouldn't be too hard on myself for things that has passed, I still am my biggest critic.

I may be a little less younger, but I remain stubborn as hell.


**** wrote this yesterday. slept on it. manic na kung manic, might as well charge it to experience.

If there's a will...

The girls and I are throwing this idea around of joining one of those speed dating thing just for kicks. Adventure ba? Since both yeng and I are "in a relationship" friendster status, we, of course asked permission from our trying-to-be understanding boyfriends. Trip trip lang naman eh. They did oblige, probably in fear of the ire of the tropa. We were happy, official permission to look around granted. Masaya kami ni Yeng. Can't stress that enough.

Akala ko lusot na ako. Di pa pala.

Beb called me a while ago. He said he's reading a copy of Entrepreneur Magazine with an article on speed dating. Looks like event organizers do background checks on participants, especially if they are currently engaged in relationships. He was like, "So mukhang di ka pwede?". "Tuwa ka naman may excuse ka na para di ako payagan, " I said. Without missing a beat, he said, "Oo."

Bakeeeet? Why be such a tease?!?

Hi, my name is Lallie...

I know that no matter how much i argue that i am not a future candidate for AA, this picture will forever prove me wrong.

Di bale, hanap ako damay. (",)

Party crashers.

Following true "ring" tradition, the girls and i met up at GB3 to watch Sukob. Word of mouth is the movie does have some scary makes-you-jump-out-of-your-seats scenes, and anything remotely scary draws us like moths to fire. So after dinner at G4, having tough calamari (lumalaban yung pusit, promise) at Fuzion and watching Joyce eat 2 two-biter burgers (for 50 pesos, highway robbery talaga), we headed for our seats at the cinema. After a seating fiasco (paghiwalayin ba kami? Hehehe. Pwede rin.), we screamed and laughed our way, simultaneously at that, all throughout the movie. Ok, so safe to say, after watching the movie, I am staying away from roofs, church bell towers, windows and mirrors of the kapitbahay. I am also staying away from little dark skinned people wearing dry-leaves tiara and constantly wanting to give me stuff, if such a creature does exist. As well as shadows with no object producing it. Oo, aminado. Dalang-dala ako. Bumenta talaga.

Did I say we scared ourselves to paranoia to pass time?

After the movie, we crashed Dale's party at Il Ponticello for moral support. For Yeng, of course. We love Dale, pero we love Yeng more. Actually, unbeknownst to Dale, it's Yeng and Maebz' post-birthday celebration... again. He's just footing the bill. Hehehe, kidding (or am i?). With flowing (free!) booze and our trademark "toast", we drank and camwhored ourselves in our own little world. Pure drunken fun. With pictures to prove it.

Wars and battles.

Fighting this drains me. One day, I'd say it was all bourne out of immaturity, only to be left the next moment realizing I am rationalizing my way out of necessary insanity. It left so many scars, deep ones I wear proudly, like shiny badges of honor to inspire those who treaded this beaten path. But the beautiful ones I keep for myself, memories of old wounds that bled to fill the void of the last thing it --- you --- unwittingly took from me.

I have bigger enemies to face and bigger wars to win, enough reason for me not to be here. I want to see the end of this so i will fight this cause I see no other choice, and though everyday the wage gets smaller and smaller, the spoils become even more minute collateral damage, I am beginning to think you are the battle I would never win.



***Presently resuscitating lost brains cells from last night. Nursing a big hammy. Forgive me.

Musical chairs.

What the... am I actually turning green for this?
I haven't felt this feeling in a while and I'm glad to know I'm still capable. That's one more bittersweet cake to gobble on for inevitable emotional purging.

Bilog nga ang mundo. Although, there's something unsettling when you see that the tables finally have turned but someone else took your seat.

and it's just 7:30 a.m..

Ensay - what?!?

Thursdays are slow days at the shop so i wasn't expecting anything core-shaking to happen today. That was until i arrived at my desk and saw this....

Hallelujah!

Carbs. Carbs. Carbs. Oral Fixation. Carbs. Cheese. Eggs. Carbs. Oh my gawd!


It's massive. You could feed a whole barangay it. If God had this when He was multiplying bread, He wouldn't break a sweat (He didn't naman pero you get my drift). It's huge! It's like this big...

lost my face, plus my neck!

I am intimidated by the bread. My plan is to tackle it by bits and pieces until i finish it all, probably til Monday. No, call me selfish, but i am not planning to share. I'll just lug it around in my purse until the last glorious bite. Then i realized....

Paano na to?

Damn, this is one slow day...

for posterity's sake vol. 1

finally, emo kid checked out...

Ano daw?

Somebody's messing with my fantasy, and i am not happy about it.

Gawd, I have the weirdest taste ever.

Deadly sins.

- I'm cleaning up my office PC. Apparently, spammer pala ako, and i have a stash of Arab porn pics and Kama Sutra tips somewhere that i am generously sending to my friends. Nak ng tokwa, ba't di ko alam yon? Ako ata lugi don ha. Hahaha.

- I am, as beb puts it, in my "indie alternative phase". Aneca is now looping Jimmy Eat World, The Wreckers, Aqualung and a host of other kick-ass bands based at the other side of the pacific. A far cry from my "country music phase" couple of months ago, though, still, a little Keith Urban wouldn't hurt nobody.

- I've learned that the ten pounds i've successfully lost through channeling Madonna on a vajolet (read: one shade short of Grimace, our favorite Mcdo mascot) yoga mat for the last month can easily creep back in three consecutive nights of p.g. type of eating. Hard to be centered when i'm fighting my oral fixation.

Food. Must. Give. In.