Thursday, August 10, 2006

Bitch-slapping, seriously needed

I remember when I was a kid and I wanted to be everything when I grow up. I wanted to be a doctor, a lawyer, a news anchor, a magician, a grocery cashier, even at some point a magtataho and if possible, all at the same time. I had big dreams, and hoped for a full plate. I was young and I was stubborn.

Then one by one I had to let each one go. With being a magtataho, though there's taho-all-you-want, it admittedly lacks glamour (arte ko talaga). Smoke machines unfortunately kill me so, there goes my dream of becoming a magikera. I am in sales but super bad at it. It is my day job and it pays the bills, but picturing forever there isn't what I have in mind. I am bulol half the time, so the world might get confused when I deliver the nightly news. With my tragic medical history, I developed an aversion to hospitals, so a medical degree was out of the question. As for a law degree, it's still up in the air, but looking at at least four more years in school while living on allowance, completely dependent again on somebody else isn't really appealing when you're 23 and already earning decent money. Am i screwed? Probably.

It's just hard to know that the world is my oyster, yet i feel stuck. Stuck between nothing and nowhere. Yes, it's damn scary. I know everybody's afraid of something. Tell me one absolutely fearless person and i'll tell you that one day, pigs will fly. God knows I try to face my fears, but nothing comes easy, and this is one thing I can't rush without consequences. And no matter how much I remind myself that I did and am doing the right thing and that I shouldn't be too hard on myself for things that has passed, I still am my biggest critic.

I may be a little less younger, but I remain stubborn as hell.

**** wrote this yesterday. slept on it. manic na kung manic, might as well charge it to experience.

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