Friday, January 27, 2006

Endings, in limbo...

I didn't sleep a wink last night. I chanced upon something and it kept me awake. My body wanted to be dead weight, but i just tossed and turned on my bed. I tried to keep my mind off of it, and i did, for a while, but it just kept on coming back. There was pain, a slight pang in the chest, very subtle but long enough to steal my sleep. You hear about hearts getting broken, I thought mine did, but no, it didn't. I just felt pain, physical pain.

I knew what i was getting into in the first place. I went into it knowing what to expect and knowing what i'll get out of it in the end. There was nothing in the beginning, and at the end, nothing would be left. Never expected more, never asked for more. Expecting was just setting myself for unwarranted pain. Asking would just be all for vain. I knew what i was ready and capable to deaI with, and i asked not an ounce more. I had it, but i didn't, and i was fine with it. I knew what i wanted and all i wanted was just one chance. I took my chance, and i got out. Got out --- first. Got out --- unscathed.

Or so i thought. Three years down the road, and i chanced upon something. And it stole my sleep. I would like to think that a couple of hours of uncomfortable sleep was all it took from me. I'm starting to think it took more. I thought i just wanted a chance, i had it, and i let go. Three years had passed, and i find myself still holding on. I thought i let go, but the sleepless night i had last night proved me wrong. Maybe a great part of me did, but that little spot that bore the pain of last night sure didn't. I asked for something that wasn't bound for me, i had it and I got more than what i bargained for, but it was nothing that i wanted. I let go three years ago. Three years after, and i still am not done...

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