On myself in '05

If you think back, and replay your year, if it doesn't bring you tears of either joy or sadness, consider it wasted.
- John Cage, "Ally McBeal"

With the benefit of hindsight, 2005 wasn't at all wasted. Cried buckets full of tears over sheer frustration, hair, loss of sanity, and a bunch of other dramas that colours my life. Rolled over laughing at feel-good movies, friends' dramas and their loss of sanity until i had gas. I carried over a bag full of lessons, some of which i bet will be learned over and over down the road, stubborn as i am. But i think some are worth noting down, for posterity's sake. So here's a few bits and pieces of what i learned about me in 2005...

1. I love AM Radio.
No, not love, i adore AM radio. Bad AM signal could ruin my day. I've never been much for local tv, but when it comes to AM frequency, i'm certified kapamilya. I'm a newbie TNTM (tawa ng tawa mag-isa) for Ted and Korina's Antics, especially their Tambalang Kitchenette. Botchok Strikeland, you're the man! But when it comes to making my day, Gerry Baha and Anthony Taberna crack me up the most. Too bad their show sounds more like radio commercials sprinkled with social commentary, not the other way around. That's saying how good they are. They're so in demand. I'll visit them in prison when the government finally had the balls to put them in the slammer. hahaha.

2. I require more maintenance than i thought i did.
I always thought i was a low maintenance kind of girl. No, i don't need hour by hour updates. The boyfriend doesn't need to report to me where he is every minute of everyday. He doesn't even have to see me on a weekly basis, not that i don't miss him or anything, but if he has something much more important to do, i do not hesitate to give way. But once in a while, the needy, clingy dna gene in me kicks in and i begin to blurt out phrases like, "look at me, i need attention". I throw tantrums and then some. I can't help it. I'm human. I am a girl.

3. I am quite a risktaker according to friends.
This is worth debating over. But apparently, my friends think im some daredevil. Yeah, there are many times i've put my liver on the line, just to prove i could take it. But that's not their point. There are concrete stories of me being nonchalant about the consequences of my actions, but forgive me if i don't chalk them up now. They involve stupidity. I think I've shared enough of those. Read previous entries.

4. I am a sigurista, according to my mom.
Now, this is a revelation.
Actually, it's not. It's just came to me when someone finally said it to my face. I need to follow up on things i've asked other people to do. I am not for macromanagement, whatsoever. I love getting my hands dirty. It's just that I want things done my way. Ok, you can say it, I'm a control freak. Sue me.

5. I am a bitch...errr... beach person.
I've always preferred pool over beach for years. I was a water baby since i was four. If i was asked to do something to save my life, i hope it would be to swim. My swimming instructor was a madman, making me do 10 laps in an olympic size pool at age 5. Too bad, my relatives got too overprotective of me over UV rays or i could have been an olympian (hehehe to dream is free) I'm so used to swallowing chlorine that salty ocean water bothered me. Well, obviously that's not the case anymore. Now, i prefer seeing the sun rise over the blue horizon and the sand exfoliating my feet. I love the feel of waves massaging my weary muscles and the sea breeze touching wisps of my hair. I'd take the romanticism of the beach anytime over the coldness of water filled concrete walls. Anytime.

6. Writing is very cathartic.
Well, this i knew all along. I could always pinpoint the exact moments in my life when i wasn't feeling particularly chippy, mainly because tucked in a box somewhere in my room is a piece of paper in a notebook, tissue, post-it or even a receipt with my down trodden emotion written down on ink, date-stamped. I guess giving in to my exhibitionist tendency, hence the blog, just stresses my writing as therapy point. Besides, rationalizing is way easier when it's slapping you in the face. Archiving is very rewarding. After a few months, your core-shaking drama becomes entertainment.

7. Being a better friend is easier said than done.
Aside from the memory gap i had a few months back (sorry, kulang sa beans, sa pork...), gotta pat myself in the back for, at least, trying. So ok im not a big texter, (this, to the point that my friends would rather text my boyfriend to reach me coz he replies and i seldom do) but im trying to be, i swear. And the few times i do (admittedly), i reply with more than 40 characters, again not with the usual "K", so lay off me and give me some credit. Plus, i made major effort to reach out to a very dear friend, which surprised me more than it did her. i should've done that a long time ago. The reason why we drifted apart still escapes me, but i'm glad we're making up for lost time. It's like reliving who i used to be. We all need a little of that once in a while.

8. That my emotions still gets the better of me.
Yup, my moments. My tearducts had some year in '05. I cry when i'm happy. I cry more when i'm sad. I cried when i watched Lance Armstrong win his 7th Tour de France and I still can't help but turn on the waterworks when i see that heart warming Chowking christmas commercial ( i still can hear it... "sana ngayong pasko... ay maalala mo pa rin ako"). I'd probably cry when Pacquiao win his rematch with Morales (yes, im dead sure). I'm such a crybaby.

9. I am not cut out for sales.
Taray queen, that's what my sister calls me. I think i have enough stupidity to deal with from my lonesome self alone, that those hurled by others get to be shielded by my ice-queen facade. I'd like to think that i got a piece of my father's entrepreneurial mind but my temper's got a shorter fuse than his does. Patience is a virtue i have yet to learn. It still puzzles me how i survive day after day. Somebody must be looking after me...

10. Despite all the things that needed much more attention, God still finds a way to look after me.
2005 was a very difficult year. It was more of a teacher than a friend. And i couldn't have gone through all those things if somebody bigger than me wasn't cheering me on. I know i have more tough times ahead, but i wouldn't be that worried, he always provides. He's given me family and friends to see me through, and that's enough reason to put my trust in him. I have never doubted, i never will.

So here's to more lessons, passions and loves in 2006. I can't wait.