Saturday, January 14, 2006

Not Planning Ahead

Should i finally take the plunge?

No, im not getting married. I love beb with all my heart, but the idea of finally "settling down" with someone for the rest of your freakin' life at this moment still doesn't "settle" with me. At 23, and with the average Filipino lifespan of 85, that means having to sleep with and wake up seeing the same face and smelling the same morning breath for, i don't know, you do the math. I'm sure i'll get to that tipping point someday, but there are things worth more pondering time now than that plunge.

I am not big on plans. I am not one of those people who see themselves married at 25, living in cookie cutter houses in those newly developed preppy subdivisions where soon, their three properly interval-ed kids (two years apart) can play with their english speaking playmates at one of those fancy preschool (hahaha i went too far). I, on the otherhand, used to be one of your annoying classmates who, when asked in your Hello Kitty Slumbook about my ambition replies "I want to be somebody someday." Heck, i don't even believe that. I just dont want blank spaces. Plus, i just love aliteration.

The thing is, I go where the wind blows, so to speak. Unlike those people in caltex commercials, i don't go by short, medium, or long term goals because like the government, i know its just another way of putting yourself up for bigtime disappointment. I am so used to making the best of what fate is hurling at me, that seeing myself at a definite somewhere someday is beyond me. So far fate hasn't given me a letdown, and i'm starting to think i'm getting the hang of things.

After graduating, let's just say i'm not where other people pictured me to be. I've been putting a lot of dreams on hold, some are mine (which fire i keep fanning to keep them burning) and more of others, my kin. I appreciate their tolerance of me going about things at my own pace this past couple of years, but something happened last week, and well, they found an opportunity to nudge me to a very, umm, concrete direction. Well-meaning as it is, i am not sure i'm ready to go down that road, lest i be sure i really want it. Don't get me wrong, if i put my heart into something, i'm damn sure i get it right the first time. It's just that if i swallow this bitter convenient pill down my throat, i might as well make sure i apply myself well, otherwise, it's just a waste of effort on all involved. Now, that's disappointing. So hence the question, should i or shouldn't i?

No, I am not asking for a sign. I don't believe in signs. He has enough on His plate, and bothering Him with an eclipse or a psychedelic butterfly or a plate of that heavenly decadent cake from Gayuma (although i wouldn't mind the latter, as gift of course, rather that an ominous sign) is too selfish of me. Besides, i wouldn't recognize a sign even if it bonks me in the head.

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