Wednesday, July 04, 2007

This is my Confession.

Please don't cast stones on me yet. Just hold off 'til that last punctuation mark. I am coming clean, and I want to be terribly clear about it. Like crystal.

Almost anyone in a three year relationship would surely be with me on this boat. I've tried to block it with whatever force I have in my will but this shitnitz wouldn't leave the fark out of me. It's a nagging feeling I have for almost about a year now. And if writing about it would help me expel this out of my body, by gawd, I will endure the spite from my friends, whom are about to read this and disown me forevermore.

Here it goes (please, God help me) ... I want the happily-ever-after married life. I want to have the husband I will cook breakfast and dinner for. I want to have little ones who look like me and beb running around my little house, messing up our deep brown corduroy couch in the suburbs of quezon city. I want to be the young, hot mom that brings my two beautiful boys (boys talaga eh) to an overpriced prep school in the morning then bake delicious cupcakes the rest of the day. I want my own cute little family to go to church with on Sundays, then buy the tots toys in the mall afterwards. Yup, despite the new age feminism seemingly fed to college-educated women like me, still, I want it all. And it's not like I want it all now. I wanted it all ... yesterday!

The yearning for my own little family, as with everything else crazy in my life, comes in waves. The waves become bigger when I'm around my cousins' precious kids, or whenever I see old friends, now with kids in tow, or even in mundane weekend window shopping in malls. I see them, little happy families, making me want the dream even more. They look very happy. I am drawn to that happiness. The happiness in the possibility of what ifs.

But, whenever I think about that glorious, obscenely priced bag turning into baby formula and diapers, or those party-til-you-drop nights turning into sleepless nights of feeding the baby, or that weekend getaway you know you deserve, with just your friends and the beach, turning into two days of catching up with "quality time" with the kids, I can't help but think twice. Kudos to the moms, and I know a lot and a great deal about some, whom I really admire, but, as luck would have it, I'm still as selfish as hell, and I don't know if I could give all of that up, not just yet.

I want it all. I want it, but I don't know if I'm ready to pay the price. Something has to give and I am not ready for the big trade off. The waves are there, and each time, the swells gets bigger and bigger. But they eventually calm down, and I'm back to my ol' rational, logical, selfish, selfish self. But each time a surge comes, I am comforted with knowing that one day I'll be ready. I'll be prepared and very willing to give all these up. The exchange may be rough but, by then, I'll know it'll make me happy, so much more happy. At the right time. With the right reasons. One day, I'll just know.

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